Thursday, October 16, 2014

Going Gray at Midlife

Photo by Roberto Trm.
One of the physical markers of age is the appearance of gray hair.

I went through that rite of passage in my late 30s.  When I bought my first house and gave birth to my two children and decided to stop pulling my gray hairs.

Did these big life events bring about the gray? It's difficult to know for sure.

I've been coloring my hair for over 30 years (minus the five years I was either pregnant or nursing).  Recently I decided to stop coloring away the gray.  I'm only 52.

Why am I going gray at midlife?  Many midlife women color away the gray.  Many women in late life color their hair. Why would I want to look older?

I have a handful of reasons.

1. Chemicals. I am starting to get nervous about using chemicals on my scalp for any longer. Thirty years already seems like a long time.  I could examine the existing research on this, but I admit it's a gut reaction against using any more chemicals than absolutely necessary.

2. Credibility. I perceive people with physical markers of aging as having credibility that comes with decades of experience.  I want to embrace the fact that I've been spinning on this planet for over a half century.

3. Peer Group. I am a gerontologist who affiliates regularly with older adults.  I'm becoming acclimated to seeing people with gray or white hair, and I think they look good. In these social circles, I am in the minority with my colored hair.  Throughout my life, I have changed my hair by the cut, color and styling to look more like my social peers.

4. Economics.  OK, I'm getting ready to sent my kids to college, and every penny seems to count.  It's expensive to color my hair. And time consuming.

Published September 10, 2007
What is my natural color?  I have no idea if my  hair is gray, white, ash, or even brown (light, medium or dark?) with a few salt-and-pepper streaks of gray.   I imagine that it will take a couple of years to transition.

In the mean time, I can reread Anne Kreamer's 2007 book Going Gray: What I Learned about Beauty, Sex, Work, Motherhood, Authenticity, and Everything Else That Really Matters. 

Her book includes meditations, interviews, statistics, analyses, and neurotic ramblings about what the color of our hair means for adult women of all ages.

Kreamer focuses more on mature women: i.e., those 50 plus, but she also makes comments about women of all ages and even touches a bit on the significance of men's hair color.

It makes me a bit nuts to focus this much on an issue of appearance. However, I concede that people do judge us on how we look.

I studied rhetoric in graduate school.  We influence people's perceptions of us not just by what we say or what we do but by how we look.  People interpret our hair color when they are determining our social significance.

Annoying, but true.

It will be interesting to measure changes in how people respond to me as I go gray.  Going gray can be traumatic for some women, even when they choose it.  I actually just joined a closed Facebook group for women going gray.  They give each other emotional support for daring to go natural.

That being said, I do want to acknowledge my support for women who continue to color their hair through midlife and even into late life.  I don't believe in dictating rules for how women should dress, act or groom themselves according to their age.  I can't control how others will respond, but I can control my response to matters of style: Rock on with your fabulous self! And if you want to cheer on rule breakers, check out the women featured in the book (blog and film) Advanced Style.

Fair warning to my friends and relatives. I may very well start carrying a notebook for recording statements others make about my changing hair color.  I'm doing it in the name of (social) science.

Speaking of taking an academic approach to things. . . . As a retired English teacher--include a side bar on the use of gray vs. grey. 

The Grammarist explains that grey is the original spelling, but that Americans adopted "gray" and favor it 9 out of 10 times in use over time, as demonstrated in this Ngram chart.  The search criteria shows the frequency of these two words in print as they appeared in American publications from 1800 to 2000: 



 Last month, I published a post  about the Beale estate, Grey Gardens. But as you can see with the above chart, "gray" is the preferred variant in the US. Hence, my use of "gray hair."

Related: 

When Does Midlife Start and End?
Fight, Resign or Embrace? 
Ugly Duckling Becoming a Silver Swam via the Gym

21 comments:

  1. I think some people look FABulous with gray hair, but I'm pretty sure I don't. My hair is about 95% gray, but I keep coloring (every 2 weeks because I use the cheap home stuff). I just don't think I have the right skin tone.

    I'll be interested in hearing your recap of comments. Smart idea. :-D And I love that you end with info on the spelling. As a former newspaper editor, I tend to go all AP style (usually), and GRAY is AP style.

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    1. Yes, skin tone is a consideration. And thanks for the tip about AP style's view on gray (usually).

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  2. Good for you! I wish I could embrace the gray but I just can't do it -- at least yet. I have friends who look great with their gray hair but, for right now, I will continue to pay my hair colorist's mortgage ...

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    1. Do what works for you! Your color looks great in your avatar. It's all good.

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  3. I think grey hair is beautiful! So far, none have shown up on my head, but when they do, I will embrace them!

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    1. Mary: I know women who start accruing some gray in their 20s. It's interesting to see the variety of experiences people have on when their hair color starts transforming. Enjoy your new look when it finally makes an appearance.

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  4. I love women who can go grey and look fantastic, and there are many. I just don't think I'd be one of them.

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  5. I say just go with it. My husband and I don't have any yet but my younger brother does. My uncle was totally grey at 18yrs old and my Mother was grey/white by 30. I don't remember her any other way.

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    1. My friend Mabel went totally gray at a young age. I knew her as a midlife person, and her hair was a beautiful shade of silver-white. But she did tell stories about being mistaken for her husband's mom because of the gray.

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  6. I have already embraced my gray. My hairdresser held my hand every step of the way. She said that people pay her to get the look I have naturally. No more chemicals. No more being held hostage by hair color. I receive compliments on my hair all the time. What's not to love?

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    1. I'm happy to read about your success. What a relief.

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  7. So it's gray over grey. Very good to know. My sister stopped coloring her hair at 40 and was prematurely gray. She looks beautiful to me.

    I look forward to reading updates on your metamorphosis.

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    1. It's good to read about your sister. All my best to both of you in all your worthwhile endeavors.

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  8. a number of women in my family have been told that they look "dead" when they go grey. harsh, I know. but I share their coloring, so I am not very sanguine about this eventuality.

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    1. Oh, that's a very harsh comment. Wow. Well, do what's best for your skin (and eye) coloring.

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  9. I started going gray in my 30s. I blame it on my mother, who had gray hair by the time I was born. My dad didn't go gray until he was in his 80s. But then, my dad didn't go bald, either. So how come I'm losing my hair?!?

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    1. Oh, those family genes are really not cooperating, are they? But I'm betting you got the brains, charm and winning smile from the good side of the family for those features!

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  10. I applaud you for making a choice that you’re comfortable with. Thanks for sharing your story. It inspired me and reminded me of a very important person. Because of that , we featured this in our Weekly Digest. You can read it here http://www.ltcoptions.com/weekly-digest-estate-planning-going-gray-fall-prevention-technology/.

    My mom stopped coloring her hair at 52, just like you. I must say it suits her well and no, she doesn’t look old nor dull. It’s also a smart choice because she began having allergies due to the chemicals and she needed to cut down on expenses too.

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    1. Thanks for your interest in the post. All my best to your mom.

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