Memorial Days: Book Review

Published
29 January 2022

I have read three other books by Geraldine Brooks (People of the Book being my favorite), and I had the chance to meet her at a book signing at Watermark Books and Cafe in Wichita, Kansas. Consequently, when I saw that she had a nonfiction book out, I picked it up. 

The occasion of Memorial Days is heartbreaking: her husband Tony Horwitz died unexpectedly on Memorial Day 2019, and this was obviously devastating form Brooks. As many writers do, she worked through her grief by writing about him, his work as a journalist and book author, and their relationship. Additionally, this caused her to stop writing for a time. However, Tony had expressed the importance of her work in progress, so she finally pushed herself to finish the book--which was Horse, which she managed to publish in 2022--despite her persistent grief. 

I'll See You in My Dreams: Film Review

Released 15 May 2015.

Directed by Brett Haley, I'll See You in My Dreams (2015), Blythe Danner stars as Carol, a widow of twenty years who is negotiating through the challenges and opportunities that come in the second half of life.

This film depicts Carol interacting with a trio of friends (Rhea Perlman, June Squibb and Mary Kay Place) as well as her adult daughter, Kath (Malin Akerman). 

In between outings, Carol drinks wine poolside in her backyard, thinking about how to structure her day and how to eradicate a roof rat who keeps skittering across the front room of her home. 

The tone is quiet and understated with a lilting, poetic quality. 

Even though the film's manner is subtle, the audience can tell that Carol is trying to find purpose and companionship in response to the recent loss of her dog and the decades' long loss of her beloved husband.  

Carol's friends try to push her to date; however, she's reserved and reticent. 

When Their World Stops: Book Review

2nd Edition Published March 27, 2018.

Anne-Marie Lockmyer received a phone call that stopped her world. Her husband of 26 years (less four days) lost his life due to a brain aneurysm.

Lockmyer's life changed immediately.

Drawing on her own experience, her research, and the experience of many others grieving the loss of a loved one, Lockmyer wrote this 96-page guide for people who want to offer comfort and support.

When Their World Stops: The Essential Guide to TRULY Helping Anyone in Grief  is filled with very specific, concrete suggestions on how to offer help to the bereft. 

Many other books on grief focus on the spiritual, intellectual, and emotional dimensions of suffering loss. Yes, these realms do demand attention.  I tend to err on the side of the metaphysical.

However, Lockmyer focuses on more tangible responses to supporting a bereft person:

Between Death and Burial

Photo by Don LaVange.

People who know me in person recognize that diplomacy isn't my strongest suit.

However, I do understand that the space between a person's death and their burial is a particularly tender time. 

I perceive this space as sacred, best met with reverence.

This time should focus on articulating the decedent's virtues, strengths and legacy. It's a time to comfort their friends and family members.

Beginners: Film Review

Released in the US 3 June 2011

Beginners (2010) is a quirky family dramedy, starring Ewan McGregor, who plays Oliver Fields, a 38-year-old graphic artist trying to overcome his grief of losing his mother and then responding to his widower father coming out as gay.

Christopher Plummer earned an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor (and several other awards) for his role as Oliver's father, Hal. 

I loved everything about this movie: the characters, the themes, the editing, the screenplay, the setting. It was lovely. Oh, and the dog, Arthur, will steal your heart.

It took me a while to select it from my queue of over 160 films about aging. But last night it popped up on THREE categories of recommended films--Independents, Quirky Romances & Critics' Picks. So I caved and watched it.

Delightful!

This film is based on director/screenplay writer Mike Mills' own experience. Like Oliver, Mills' dad coming out as gay shortly after his wife dies of cancer.

In the present, Oliver meets Anna, a French actress played by Mélanie Laurent.  His relationship with her is interrupted by two sets of flashbacks.

On Loss and Living Onward: Book Review

Published May 6, 2014

Aging affords many opportunities for sharing long-developed talents. Aging also provides opportunities for continued growth and development. This is one of the greatest discoveries I made while training to be a gerontologist.

However, it's also a time where death claims relatives, childhood friends and even at times younger relatives.  

Part of aging successfully means learning how to survive such losses.  Ultimately, this is an opportunity for growth as well. 

I remember asking my grandfather--in his late 80s at the time--why he wasn't attending his supper club anymore.

"Grandpa, you really enjoy getting together with your friends once a month for those potlucks. Why aren't you going?"

"Karen, they're all dead now." 

My grandfather had lived in the same town his entire life, and he was losing friends he had known for decades.  He didn't talk much about how he managed theses losses.  I'm highly verbal, and I need words to help guide me through challenges. 

Melissa Dalton-Bradford has provided these words.

After the loss of Parker, her 18-year-old son, Melissa found comfort in the works of writers who had lost a loved one. She combed through the writings of famous people who suffered loss such as Abraham Lincoln, Mark Twain, C.S. Lewis and Anne Marrow Lindbergh. She shares these in her book, On Loss and Living Onward: Collected Voices for the Grieving and Those Who Would Mourn with Them. 

  

Nothing Was the Same: Book Review

Published September 15, 2009.

A close friend of mine from high school stronger recommended Kay Redfield Jamison's earlier book An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness (1997).  So when I saw that she had a book out about love and loss, I put the title on my "to read list."

A recent plane trip granted me the opportunity to finally read Nothing Was The Same: A Memoir (2009).

I spent the last twenty pages trying to cry as silently as possible in order to keep from disturbing my seat mates.

Jamison describes her relationship with her husband Richard Wyatt as it developed throughout many stages:

Their courtship and early marriage--where they had to work out a dynamic for how they could both address her manic-depressive (bipolar) illness; his diagnosis and treatment for cancer over a three year period; and Jamison's grief in the wake of Wyatt's death.

Widowed Support Groups

Photo by megaroo.

The loss of a spouse is one of the most devastating events of a person's life. In fact, the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory lists "death of spouse" as the most stress-inducing life event.

While scholars attempt to study grief objectively, the reality is that each loss of a spouse is unique to the individual.

Even though I like to draw on evidenced-based research when confronted with conflict, I recognize that the bereaved don't need scholarly journals as much as they need a compassionate friend or comforting community.