 |
| Image by BrayDawg via Creative Commons |
This difficulty only convinces me that I need to work on being meek.
While studying the New Testament last year, I participated in a discussion at church (in Gospel Doctrine class) about the word meek. I learned that it is not a synonym for humility. The word meek is related to humility, but it also gestures towards the virtues of restraint and gentleness.
Oh, I have a tendency towards excess. I also have a habit of blowing my own horn. I wish that I had a dollar for every time I have mentioned how fast I type, how fast I read, and how many books I have read recently. And then their is the bragging about how long I can hold a plank. I need to banish these statements from conversation.
Maybe I will first aim for meek-er.
I have spent the last few weeks identifying the times that I fail at being meek. I could tell myself that because I have recently moved to another state that I am striving to inform the community about my skill set so that I am seen as an asset to the broader community. The truth is this: I can now see that I can be arrogant.
I do see that underneath all this pride is a deep-seated fear of being crushed by people who are more powerful than I am. I have a deep emotional need to puff myself up as a way of saying, "Don't mess with me!" I realize that people do not see the vulnerability. They mainly see an arrogant bully with narcissistic tendencies.
GAH!
This is going to take a lot of faith and a lot of practice. I really have an underlying fear that if I show any weakness, others will take advantage of me. I have a fear of being destroyed by bullies.
(I will not elaborate on childhood trauma that has been fueling this. It has been too long for me to be squawking about emotional and physical injuries suffered in the 1970s.)
God help me (literally).
Related:
WOTY 2000: Humility and Compassion
(I cannot find my WOTY for 2019 here or on Segullah's blog.)
No comments:
Post a Comment