Chast's Graphic Novel: A Book Review

Published 6 May 2014.

Growing old has some great benefits. Frailty is not one of them.

New Yorker cartoonist Roz Chast focuses her talents on describing her parents' journey into late adulthood--their 90s.  And it's not pretty.

The title of her book actually defers potential readers: Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant? (2014).

So why read a graphic novel about the challenges of supporting frail parents?

UPDATE: Chast won the 2014 National Book Critic Circle Award for the autobiography category for this book.

Even if you aren't going to support parents or a spouse through this process, you will have friends going through some of the things that Chast draws and narrates.

But you won't have the exact same journey. Chast is the only child of parents who lived for decades in the Flatbush section of Brooklyn.

Maslow Is a Liar

I see beauty in chaos in this photo by J.E.F.

Introduction to psychology courses nearly always include some attention to Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

From the start of the life span, people usually master each of these needs in ascending order.

People establish physical needs, then social needs and finally more abstract needs, such as self-actualization.

As we age, however, we do not reduce our lives in order from the highest needs down to the most basic needs.  Before I studied gerontology, I expected to see an orderly movement in reverse order as people age.

The aging process is more chaotic than I imagined.

Each person's aging process is unique to them.   And even though some patterns in how people age might emerge in large studies, the aging process of just one person is largely unpredictable.

However, the more I interact with older adults, the more I observe how people can hold onto higher order tasks--spirit, beauty, knowledge and relationships--even as their bodies start to betray them.

Maslow's Hierarchy fails to serve as a model for the aging process.

The End of Your Life Book Club: Book Review

Published October 2, 2012. 

As a retired English teacher, I enjoy fiction that focuses on books. I even have a virtual bookshelf on Goodreads that I call "books about books."

So it wasn't much of a stretch for me to be drawn to Schwalbe's memoir, The End of Your Life Book Club.

Will Schwalbe and his mother Mary Ann Schwalbe are avid readers and have been so for their entire lives. They had often recommend books to each other and talked to each other about them a little.

But when they started spending a lot of time together in waiting rooms, their casual comments developed into a more purposeful act. They formed a book club of two.

The catalyst? Mary Ann was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given just six months to live. It was too difficult to talk about the end of her life. Instead, this mother-son pair found a way to talk about the most important matters about life.

All Gone: Dementia Memoir with Recipes

Published September 27, 2012

I continue to read memoirs about caregivers supporting a family member with dementia.

I do so because memory changes affect each person uniquely.  And scientific studies of dementia don't do enough to explain the impact memory changes have on relationships and identity.

Most recently, I have read All Gone: A Memoir of My Mother with Refreshments (2012) by Alex Witchel, whose mother, Barbara, is living with vascular dementia, which may or may not have been the result of a 60 year smoking habit.

But with all other dementia memoirs, the book does not limit Barbara Witchel to a case study in dementia. She is not defined by this disease.

Instead, her daughter Witchel spends the majority of the time describing her mother's childhood, vocation, family relationships and personality.  She celebrates her mother while at the same time trying to support her in practical and emotional ways as the disease progresses.

The Story of My Father

Published June 8, 2004

For the last four years, I have been trying to learn more about Alzheimer's Disease.  As a retired English teacher, I frequently have people ask me about age-related changed to cognition.

Of course, people should talk to a neurologist for an expert opinion. Nevertheless, I am trying to learn what I can so that I can point people to resources.

More and more I am seeing the value in dementia memoirs, written by caregivers.  Although published in 2004, I recently got my hands on a copy of The Story of My Father by Sue Miller.

The author describes her relationship with her father in general and her need to respond to his Alzheimer's Disease in particular.

A Legacy of Pioneer Mothers

My great-great grandmother Mary Ann Ward Webb
front and center with her children. Taken 1924.

My house echoes with the voices of my pioneer ancestors. I am a fifth generation Mormon woman, and I feel this ancestry often.

Whether I'm cooking dinner, folding laundry, teaching my children or doing my devotional reading, I think about my fore-mothers daily.

In fact, I named my daughter after two of my pioneer ancestors: Mary Ann and Clara.

This is a Midlife Boulevard Blog Hop. Because the 37 links below will disappear soon, I am saving three for future reference:
@piaSavage of Courting Destiny describes a Good Cop, Bad Cop mothering moment
@LynnCobb shares a double dose of mother's intuition birth story on her blog.
@loisaltermark of Midlife at the Oasis marvels at her mother's sense of style 

Mother's Day Reflections: Literacy Lessons

Mom and Me - June 1965.

The book of Genesis claims that Adam named the animals prior to Eve's appearance in the Garden of Eden. I have a hard time accepting that part of the creation story.  In my own life, and in the lives of many others, it's Mother who names the world.

Photo by trec_lit

She just didn't teach me to identify the basics: cup, water, shoe, banana.  Over the years, she taught me to name and label things I couldn't hold in my hand: love, pain, divinity, irony.

My mother has a keen mind, and she's a lifelong student. Even when she quit her job teaching home economics to raise me and my two sisters, she still read voraciously, wrote in her journal, talked to like-minded friends and in all ways scrutinized the world around her.

At midlife, she returned to school and got a master's degree in a completely unrelated field, humanities.  I ended up doing the same: first studying English and then at midlife getting a master's in the unrelated field, aging studies.

Movies about Love & Sex for People 50 Plus

Photo by Amy Loves Yah. 

It's sometimes difficult for young people to imagine, but older adults need love and sexual contact.  Yes, sometimes age-related issues interfere with their abilities to pursue emotional and physical relationships.

Nevertheless, most people seek to clear these roadblocks.  Grappling with these conflicts makes for good movie material.

Hollywood love stories often focus on romance for those 15 to 35, but a growing  number of comedies and dramas are focusing on love and sex concerns for those middle aged (45 to 65) and older.

Here is a list of some of these films--organized by reverse chronology.

Finding Your Feet (2017). Imelda Staunton plays a woman who takes stock of her life after her husband of 40 years has an affair. The film is primarily about being your authentic self, but the main character (Sandra) does have a flirtatious relationship with a man supportive of her new identity.  Review

Our Souls at Night (2017). Addie (Jane Fonda) and Louis (Robert Redford) play neighbors who have rarely spoken until Addie proposes that they start a platonic relationship that includes sleeping (and just sleeping) together.  Over time, they share their life stories, their heartbreaks, their goals, and touch beyond cuddling.  Review.

The Rewrite (2015). Hugh Grant and Marisa Tomei star in a rom-com about two midlife adults looking for second chances. He wrote one successful screen play, but she's working on her first at midlife.  Can he teach her anything about writing? Can she teach him anything about life?

I'll See You in My Dreams (2015).  Blythe Danner stars as a widow of 20 years who has recently lost her canine companion. This serves as a catalyst for her to evaluate all of her relationships--past, present, and potential. Over the span of the film, she forms new connections with a couple of men--a pool boy years her junior and a gruff-and-handsome agemate. Review

Love Is Strange (2014). John Lithgow and Alfred Molina play a couple in a long-term relationship who finally marry only to be hit with several hardships. Friends and family step in to help, but living in close quarters with others puts a strain on those relationships and adds to their hardships.

Movies about Older Adults Active in the Dying Process

Photo by OldOnliner

As a student of the aging process, I regularly watch films that feature older adults.  Mature people live, love and have amazing adventures. But all people--especially the old--experience the dying process.  

At the bottom of this post are films that depict the dying of young adults and children. Also, some of these films take the point of view of the bereft, so sometimes the death occurs days, weeks, or months before the film or documentary starts. 


I value reading nonfiction books about death written by gerontologists, spiritual guides, doctors, social workers, psychologists and other experts. However, as a retired English teacher, I find great truths conveyed through creative works such as novels, memoirs, plays, poems, paintings, and film. 

These works might help viewers prepare for or process the death of a parent, a spouse or another loved one.

Strong, Smart Women Wrestling with Caregiving

Photo by On Being

Over the last three years, I have tried to read broadly about the challenges and opportunities of aging.  Now that I've consumed over 50 books on the topic, I'm seeing a few trends. For example, several long-established, best-selling authors are now writing books about caregiving. They are doing so because they have become caregivers themselves.

Diane Ackerman writes about supporting her husband after his stroke in her 2001 book One Hundred Names for Love: A Stroke, a Marriage and the Language of Healing.   Because she and her husband are both writers, Ackerman chose to design a speech therapy program unique to his love of language  Review

Jane Gross describes how she advocates for her mother over several years and several levels of health, showing how caregiving is an ever-evolving activity in her 2011 book A Bittersweet Season: Caring for Our Aging Parents--and Ourselves. Review

Betty Rollin explains her perspective as an adult child trying to help her mother manage a devastating cancer diagnosis and invasive treatment in her 1998 book The Last Wish. Review.

Gail Sheehy once again helps her age mates map out the landscape of a life stage--based on her experience providing care for her husband as well as journalistic-style interviews and research--but this time the path is more recursive than linear in her 2010 book Passages in Caregiving: Turning Chaos into Confidence. Review

Paula Span found that supporting her aging parent trickier than she anticipated, so she dove into the topic and followed other pairs of adult children and their parents through their challenges and produced this 2010 book When The Time Comes: Families with Aging Parents Share Their Struggles and Solutions. Review

Aging Happens to Other People, Not to Me

Photo by theqspeaks

Since starting my graduate work in gerontology, I have been emboldened to talk with people about aging issues. People usually deflect the topic of aging to the generation above them. They resist accepting their own aging; hence, my blog's title.

Even my octogenarian friend Lupe talks about "those old people you could help in your new vocation, Karen." Granted, she's very healthy, active, independent and mentally sharp. Nevertheless, she demonstrates several markers for the category "older adult" as anyone in her 80s would.  But she wasn't interested in any information or insights that I've gleaned about the aging process. Maybe she sees me as too young to have any authority on the topic. I might have figured that when she chuckled and patted me on the head.

The Importance of Touch Persists through the Lifespan

Photo by Rosie O'Beirne

A couple of weeks ago, I visited a friend of mine who is currently residing in a skilled nursing home. Upon arrival, I discovered that she had a large bruise around her right temple and that she couldn't hear.  It was apparent that she had fallen.   Understandably, she was also a little bit disoriented and very emotional.

I first tried gesturing and encouraging her to read my lips. Nope. I tried to write messages to her. However, she was having trouble focusing and decoding even short, simple sentences that I wrote in large block letters using a black felt-tip pen. Finally, she said, "Give me a hug!"

Well, why didn't I think of offering a comforting touch as soon as I saw that she had suffered a fall?  And why did I still not think of it when my attempts to communicate by talking and then by writing were obviously failing?

Acknowledge the Abilities of Older Adults

Photo by Susan NYC

If you go to the grocery store between 9 am and 11 am, you might encounter a demographically disproportionate number of older adults. You might be tempted to view them of clones, each inhabiting the same archetype of "old person." However, if you sat down with each of them, you would discover a wide range of personalities, skills, perceptions and interests   From experience, have you found this to be true of individual people who constitute a crowd of teenagers at the food court in the mall?   It's very easy to stereotype, but it ultimately hinders relationships and limits the contribution of some groups within the larger culture. 

Unfortunately, like many other people who share one defining feature, older adults are subject to stereotypes and myths, some of which I have addressed in previous blog posts. (See posts on Elderspeak, PC Terms for starters.)

Late Adulthood: A Time to Bless

Photo by Emmanuel Avetta

I grew up listening to Broadway musicals—on LPs, as played on the piano, and when the technology came along, on VHS.  One of the most salient images of older adults from these musicals takes place in the dream sequence relayed by Tevya in Fiddler on the Roof.

In Tevya's dream, two grandmothers deliver quite different postures towards the rising generations. On the one hand, Grandmother Tzeitel pronounces a blessing or “mazel tov” on Tevya's oldest daughter, her namesake, soon to be wed.  On the other hand, Fuma Sarah sends threats and curses.  

These gross stereotypes rattling around in my memory gesture towards the generational work I observe today among the oldest among us.  Those who are the most mature have the role, responsibility and opportunity to use their multigenerational perspective, their wisdom and their energy to bless the rising generations.  It is our task to heed these blessings.

Coping with Illness

Photo by Judy Baxter

People of all ages and life situations are at risk for illness and injury.   But as we age we experience greater risk.  Whether the illness happens suddenly as with a fall or more slowly as with memory problems, the affected person and his or her family members must find methods for coping.

Course materials for the Nursing Learning Network identify the following tasks that ill people face:

1. Change in body image
2. Reality of their own mortality
3. Coping with altered relationships with others
4. Dealing with an altered level of dependency
5. Adjusting to physiological changes
6. Grieving for their losses, such as their former self or former lifestyle
7. Fear of recurrent problems
8. Illness occurs with other stressors, such as disrupted household routines, neglected or increased financial needs, and shifting workplace responsibilities

Talking with Older Adults: Serving as a Witness

Photo by ClockworkGrue

As a life-long reader and a decades’ long teacher of English, I love to read. I cherish the information conveyed by the pages of a book. For similar reasons, I enjoy talking with older adults. They are dynamic storehouses of history. I delight in hearing of their experiences from the 1950s, 1940s, 1930, and even the 1920s--decades before my birth.

Yesterday, I had the privilege of talking with Gladys Bever, a woman who will turn 102 this summer.  Talking with her about  her childhood allowed me a glimpse into events from the 1910s. I visit her almost every Monday, and our conversations are often about the events of her week: what she had for lunch, who visited her on the weekend, a new photo added to the collection on her windowsill, the status of her newspaper that often takes an indirect route to her room at the nursing home. In an effort to open a new topic of conversation, I pointed out that we are both from California.

With that prompt, she talked about the presence of horses in her life during her childhood in a town 30 miles north of Sacramento. She and her older brother used to ride in a horse-pulled cart to school. After describing the horse, she then mentioned that she and her family traveled--sometimes by horse, sometimes by train--to the city of San Francisco where her aunt worked as a physician. She enjoyed the sites of that grand city and her time playing in some of the public parks.

Then she casually mentioned that she attended the World’s Fair held there in 1915, the year that she turned five.

Don’t Be a Boy Scout: Preserving the Independence of Older Adults

Photo by Born1945

We have a few stereotypes about the relationship between older adults and the younger generations. Witness the worn-out image of the boy scout, aiding a mature woman as she crosses the street. Remember Russell in the Pixar 2009 film Up? He first met the widower Carl by asking him, “Are you in need any assistance?”

Yes, the younger generations should provide support for the oldest adults in our communities. However, they should do so in a way that recognizes existing capabilities and preserves independence. Over time, Russell and Carl develop a mutually benefitting relationship because they help each other and respect each others' strengths.

Most older adults don’t fight evil geniuses in South American jungles, but they do have a variety of skills and abilities. These strengths and their hard-won wisdom allow them to meet their own needs and to contribute to the broader society. What they most often need from others is just patience, an open mind, and maybe a few resources.

May-December Romance: Why Is This Joke Funny?

Photo by sasastro 

I was standing in line at the university bookstore, waiting to pay for my textbooks when I saw a card on display that conveyed this joke:

A wealthy man in his 70s brought a beautiful twenty-something blonde to lunch at his country club. His golf buddies were duly impressed and asked him,

“How did you land such a young, gorgeous girlfriend?”

He replied, “She’s not my girlfriend. She’s my wife.”

“Wow! How did you manage that?”

“Easy. I lied to her about my age.”

“So did you tell her that you were 50?”

“No, I told her that I was 90.”

Yes, I did laugh when I read that, but then I started to unpack the source of my laughter. What does this joke say about the assumptions we hold about marriages between older men and younger women?

See Also: Movies about Love and Sex for People 50+