Our Family Dog Crossed the Rainbow Bridge This Spring

 

My favorite photo of Bolt, taken April 2020
b. June 2008 - d. April 2025

Trigger warning. Description of a dog slipping into frailty and then going to the vet for one last trip. Not too physically graphic, but descriptions of the dog mom's sorrow. 

Everything that is living is aging.  Our beloved dog, Bolt, has been slowing down over the last couple of years.  He is a rescue dog, so we were not certain of his age when we adopted him at the end of October 2009, but the vet guessed that he was about 15 months old. In June of 2024, he turned 16, which was remarkable given that his probably breed (Indian Spitz) lives for an average of 12 years. 

We adopted him in Kansas when our children were about 11 and 8 years old. 

Kids with Bolt in Kansas, Fall 2009

In Love--A Memoir of Love and Loss: Book Review

 

Published 8 March 2022

Because I teach a class called Death, Dying, and Bereavement, I like to read a few titles on that topic every year. 

Because I had already read a novel by Amy loom, I decided to pick up a copy of her nonfiction book In Love: A Memoir of Love and Loss, published in March of 2022 by Random House. 

Prepare for Your Care: A Free Resource for ACP

Photo by programwitch via Creative Commons.

Because I teach in the College of Nursing and Health Professions at the University of Southern Indiana, I have the opportunity of working with several experts. This semester, I was privileged to work with Dr. Kevin Valadares, an expert in medical ethics and hospital administration.

Under Dr. Valadares' direction, I was able to participate in Advanced Care Planning (ACP) with my students (Health Care Continuum & Community Services). Sometimes people call ACP by other names, such as Living Will or Advanced Directive.

News report on ACP Grant

USI's description of this project

These are legal documents for establishing whether or not you want curative care or specific types of medical interventions such as CPR, a breathing tube, a feeding tube, or even antibiotics in the case of pneumonia or another infection.

Many people recoil from having such conversations. However, others have watched families struggle to determine how to respond to a serious medical problem suffered by a loved one who can no longer express his or her wishes.

Even a very young person can suffer a life-threatening injury or acute medical condition. While people of any age can live with a chronic illness, this is more prevalent among older adults. As a gerontologist, I have observed many people who have a chronic condition that takes a turn for the worse, rendering them incapable of articulated their wishes.

How Can You Learn about Advanced Care Planning? 

I recently went through the Prepare for Your Care resource. The Regents of the University of California host this site, but experts from a variety of universities, hospitals, and other organizations have helped prepare the information.

Advice for Future Corpses: Book Review

Published 12 June 2018. 

Because I teach a university class on death, dying and bereavement, I read about a half dozen books on the topic annually.

Usually, the books take one of two approaches:

The author describes the physical, legal, and economic aspects of dying.

Or

The author describes the social, emotional, and metaphysical aspects of dying.

Tisdale does both in her book Advice for Future Corpses: A Practical Perspective on Death and Dying.

Tisdale worked for years as a nurse, but she writes like someone who is trained in the humanities. She quotes Greek philosophers, European poets, and Buddhist monks in order to create spaces for her readers to meditate about the meaning of death and dying.

End Game: Film Review

Released May 4, 2018.

End Game (2018) is a documentary by filmakers Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Freidman.

Set in the San Francisco area, the film profiles the last weeks of life for five people: Mitra, Pat, Thekla, Kym, and Bruce.  These five are either patients receiving services through the UCSF Medical Center or the Zen Hospice Project.

The documentary also includes Dr. B.J. Miller, palliative care physician, discussing the importance of being intentional about the dying process.

End Game also depicts family members trying to find ways to respond to their love one's loss of function, pain, and suffering.

We also observe doctors, nurses and social workers addressing patients' and family members' concerns.

At first glance, viewers might think this documentary is about the physical or legal aspects of end-of-life care. It does touch on these topics, but it's really more about how to retain one's humanity during the dying process and how to address questions about what constitutes quality of life.

Light on Aging and Dying: Book Review

2nd Edition Published January 15, 1998.

For the last six years, I've been gathering quotes about aging. However, I just discovered this treasury of quotes by Helen Nearing.

To whet your appetite, here is the quote that manages to convey a lot of insight in a few short words:

"Let life ripen and then let it fall." Lao Tzu

Nearing (b. 1904) and her husband, Scott Nearing (b. 1883), were New York intellectuals who left the city to live in rural Vermont.

He was a well-known political philosopher and radical. Together they ran a large property and wrote books for city-suburban dwellers about the value of returning to a rural life.

Scott was a little more than 20 years Helen's senior, so even though he lived until he was 100 years old, Helen lived another 12 years as a widow.

Already a voracious reader and contemplative by nature, these years without Scott gave Helen Nearing more opportunity to meditate on the interplay between aging, wisdom, spirituality, and death.

As a gerontologist, I feel very strongly that aging be depicted as a vibrant era of life: an age of growth and social engagement. Nevertheless, older adults (in industrialized nations) do encounter death of their partners and peers and do contemplate their own deaths with more depth than people of any other age group.

When Their World Stops: Book Review

2nd Edition Published March 27, 2018.

Anne-Marie Lockmyer received a phone call that stopped her world. Her husband of 26 years (less four days) lost his life due to a brain aneurysm.

Lockmyer's life changed immediately.

Drawing on her own experience, her research, and the experience of many others grieving the loss of a loved one, Lockmyer wrote this 96-page guide for people who want to offer comfort and support.

When Their World Stops: The Essential Guide to TRULY Helping Anyone in Grief  is filled with very specific, concrete suggestions on how to offer help to the bereft. 

Many other books on grief focus on the spiritual, intellectual, and emotional dimensions of suffering loss. Yes, these realms do demand attention.  I tend to err on the side of the metaphysical.

However, Lockmyer focuses on more tangible responses to supporting a bereft person:

The Art of Death: Book Review

Published July 11, 2017

Award-winning novelist Edwidge Danticat writes about her mother's cancer symptoms, diagnosis, treatments, and subsequent death in her 2017 book The Art of Death: Writing the Final Story.

Losing one's mother is jarring. 

Danticat does share personal details about her mother and tries to convey the dynamics of their relationship. However, more than half of the book takes a literary approach to the topic of death.

A writer herself, it makes sense that Danticat immersed herself in the works of forty plus famous authors who have written about death.

For example, she explores the writings of DeLillo, Didion, Garcia Marquez, Lewis, Lorde, Morrison, Sexton, Tolstoy, and Wilder. 

Knocking on Heaven's Door: Book Review

Published September 10, 2013.

Journalist Katy Butler supported her aging parents through two very different trajectories in their final years.

She describes their final years in her 2013 book Knocking on Heaven's Door: The Path to a Better Way of Death.

Her father, Jeffrey, experienced a stroke and then a series of medical problems that deteriorated his quality of life. Most notably, he had cognitive problems due to vascular dementia.

However, the bulk of Butler's book addresses the decision to give her father a pacemaker so that he could withstand an operation to repair a hernia.

In the years that followed, Butler and her mother, Valerie, regretted that decision. When his memory failed, his personality changed, and his mobility faltered, they tried to have Jeffrey's pacemaker switched off. However, the ethics of that decision was questioned repeatedly.

After watching Jeffrey's life prolonged well past a quality of life acceptable to him and his loved ones, Valerie chose to reject medical interventions when she started experiencing serious heart problems just a couple of years after the death of her husband.

Instead, Valerie chose palliative care and died without having to spend her last months or years in and out of hospitals and under the care of family or paid caregivers.

Big Fish: Film Review

Released: December 10, 2003.

Big Fish (2003) ranks as one of my all-time favorite films.

Yes, it contains themes related to aging.

However, many elements of the film are pertinent to people of all ages:

parent-child relationships (particularly father-son conflicts), courage, family legacies, truth vs illusion, coping with illness--and more.

The bottom line: WATCH THIS FILM!

I rewatched this film on Father's Day weekend with one of my teens.

What was my takeaway this time?

Big Fish illustrates this phenomenon: family members each hold their own version of reality.

My past viewings were informed by my decades of work in English departments.  In 2013, I earned a gerontology degree.  Between my new paid work and upcoming life changes, I'm looking less at the artistry and more at the family roles.

I'm now a midlife person who is launching a young adult son while offering (pitifully inadequate) long-distance support to aging parents.

(Young Edward from birth through childhood is played by more than one character, but the greater portion of the flashbacks are portrayed by Ewan McGregor; late-life Edward is played by Albert Finney. The adult son is portrayed by Billy Crudup.)

Modern Death: Book Review

Published February 7, 2017.

Modern medicine has increased the average life expectancy of people living in industrialized nations.

However, modern medicine has also decreased the health span.

In other words, people are living longer, but many are living in a state where their quality of life is very low while managing numerous chronic diseases and sometimes--for years--a terminal disease.

Particularly salient are Warraich's questions about how to balance extending life with quality of life during end-of-life care.

Haider Warraich, a fellow in cardiology at Duke University, provides a thoughtful exploration of issues surrounding end-of-life care in his book Modern Death: How Medicine Changed the End of Life. 

His book is one of more erudite on the topic. The academic register is a bit high.  And one of the earlier chapters discusses death at a cellular level, which I found very challenging. 

Nevertheless, Warraich includes a number of case studies to balance out the history, philosophy, statistics, and evidence-based research.  These stories help illustrate the complex and difficult situations that patience and their support team of family members and health care professionals face. 

On Living: Book Review

Published Oct. 25, 2016.

Kerry Egan draws on her experience as a hospice chaplain to share stories about how illness and dying highlight people's values.

Some might expect her to offer sermons about the place of religion in people's lives. She doesn't do that.  Instead, she demonstrates the healing power of narrative.

Egan observes that chaplains do the following work:

"We listen to the stories that people believe have shaped their lives. We listen to the stories people choose to tell, and the meaning they make of those stories."

Those who are sick and dying often find great insight in telling the story of their life. Egan focuses on maintaining an attitude of love and compassionate listening as people work to make meaning of their lives by sharing stories.

People talk about their childhoods, their life's work, their families, and most often their desire to love and be loved.

When Breath Becomes Air: Book Review

Published 12 January 2016.

Paul Kalanithi was both a man of science and a man of letters with a promising future when he was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. He had spent years training to be a scientist-doctor-author, only to find that his future largely erased by his cancer. 

Over the next 22 months, his life came into sharp focus as he tried to align his values with how he spent his dwindling time. 

The pages of his memoir make evident Kalanithi's three core values: develop the skill as a neurosurgeon in order to prolong life and quality of that life; read, write and think deeply about what it means to be human; and cherish loved ones.

As a retired English teacher, I particularly enjoyed how he found solace through the pages of literature. In years prior, Kalanithi not only studied biology and medicine, he also earned three degrees in literature and philosophy. His memoir draws on key passages from classic literature, helping him explore his thoughts and feelings. 

Between Death and Burial

Photo by Don LaVange.

People who know me in person recognize that diplomacy isn't my strongest suit.

However, I do understand that the space between a person's death and their burial is a particularly tender time. 

I perceive this space as sacred, best met with reverence.

This time should focus on articulating the decedent's virtues, strengths and legacy. It's a time to comfort their friends and family members.

Books about the Death Care Industry

Photo by Tim Green.

Over the last year, I have been reading books about the death care industry: the goods and services that people use after a person dies.

Goods include coffins, headstones, cremation jars, and so forth.  I haven't read much about death care industry goods.

Mainly, I have read about services.

These range from body removers, organ donation surgeons, coroners, medical examiner, funeral home directors, cremation employees, and researchers.

I realize that this is a grim topic.

In an attempt to face my fears about dying and death, I choose to read.   I hope that by learning more about the fate of bodies postmortem, I can have greater courage when the time comes.

Fortunately, no one close to me has died who required me to make final arrangements.  However, the older I get, the more likely I will be working with employees in the death care industry.

Here are the books that I have read on this topic so far, arranged by reverse chronology.

How We Age: Book Review

Published 1 February 2011.

I very much enjoyed reading How We Age: A Doctor's Journey into the Heart of Growing Old. (2011).

Dr. Marc E. Agronin graduated from Harvard and then Yale Medical school before becoming a psychiatrist at the Miami Jewish Health Systems.

Agronin possess a great blend of intellect, spirit and emotion as he moves from describing very specific incidents with patients to describing very general observations about the process of aging.

He combines viewpoints from the sciences, social sciences and the humanities while working with people in their 70s, 80s, 90s and 100s.

Agronin does focus a great deal on what he labels "The Four Horsemen of Old Age": depression, dementia, delirium, and destitution.

But his book is not all gloom and doom. He also describes older adults experiencing laughter, healing, restoration, intimacy, legacy, and insight in their final chapter of life.

Final Exam: Book Review

Published 9 Jan 2007 hardback
(paperback 2008 cover pictured)

For the past three years, I have been reading books written by physicians.  Some might predict that this would lead me to reach a point of saturation.

Not true.

I found Chen's account extremely engaging.  In Final Exam: A Surgeon's Reflections on Mortality (2007), Chen explains in rich detail how she responds to the realities of death inherent in medicine -- and in life.

Chen is a very well-respected surgeon, noted for her excellent technical skill.

However, she also has a background in anthropology, which makes her very attentive to the social, emotional, cultural and ethical dimensions of medicine.

Chen reveals great vulnerability by pulling back the curtain of her profession and her own internal processes, showing her constantly evolving stance towards those at risk for dying--which ends up being everybody.

Memorial Day Poems

Photo by Beverly & Pack.

As a way to better understand the meaning of Memorial Day, I looked into the history and the meaning intended by those who established the holiday.  It's all too easy to slide off the original purpose.

I could just take this as a day off work and make it a Saturday-on-a-Monday.  That's probably the most errant approach.

I could visit a cemetery and honor all dead, no matter their vocation or their manner of death. That's not such a bad way to spend the day. That's a great way to hold people in our memories, but it doesn't speak to the heart of the holiday.

I could honor living soldiers / veterans.  That's a lot closer to the purpose of the holiday, and I will probably call my veteran father today (retired navy, active duty stationed in Japan when I was born states side).

However, if I honored those who died while serving in the armed forces by decorating his or her grave, then I am in complete harmony with the purpose of this holiday. 

As a retired English teacher, I find poetry a great invitation to meditate about a particular topic.  Here are three poems focused on Memorial Day.

Books on the Dying Process

Everybody dies.

But not everyone thinks about dying.

These books provide an overview of the dying process and its many aspects:

• emotional
• social
• legal 
• spiritual  
• physical 

While I am not planning on dying anytime soon, I would like a preview.

It's my habit to research elements of my various life stages as I move through them.

Beginners: Film Review

Released in the US 3 June 2011

Beginners (2010) is a quirky family dramedy, starring Ewan McGregor, who plays Oliver Fields, a 38-year-old graphic artist trying to overcome his grief of losing his mother and then responding to his widower father coming out as gay.

Christopher Plummer earned an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor (and several other awards) for his role as Oliver's father, Hal. 

I loved everything about this movie: the characters, the themes, the editing, the screenplay, the setting. It was lovely. Oh, and the dog, Arthur, will steal your heart.

It took me a while to select it from my queue of over 160 films about aging. But last night it popped up on THREE categories of recommended films--Independents, Quirky Romances & Critics' Picks. So I caved and watched it.

Delightful!

This film is based on director/screenplay writer Mike Mills' own experience. Like Oliver, Mills' dad coming out as gay shortly after his wife dies of cancer.

In the present, Oliver meets Anna, a French actress played by Mélanie Laurent.  His relationship with her is interrupted by two sets of flashbacks.