Goodbye, Size 4

We've had a good run. G'bye!

Today I'm taking a bag of clothes to the thrift store.   After six months of trying to maintain a girlish figure, I'm giving up.

"Goodbye, Size 4!"

But I've Always Been Small! 

I'm short--just under five feet tall (apx 152 cm).  I was raised by a single mother, and I was the oldest of her three girls.

In the 1970s, my sisters and I shopped at the 5-7-9 store, and we wore small sizes.  Our mother is also small.

I defined my femininity by being petite. I haven't been much for jewelry or make up or manicures. But I was big on weighing as little as possible.

After having children and moving into midlife, I've seen my ideal weight creep up from 102 to 107 to 112.

From what I've read, people don't need to gain weight when they hit midlife. They can exercise, eat right and do a little strength training (weight lifting).


Trying Everything to Slim Down

I did pretty well until the fall before I turned 53.  That October, my weight went up to 116.  I am afraid that I'm going to look like a potato--where my waist would exceed the circumference of my bust and hips.

I vowed to get back to 112 and measurements of 36, 28, 36.

The scale is the devil. 

Since October 2014, I have been cutting waaaaaay back on refined carbohydrates in addition to going to the gym 5 times a week and walking 45 minutes on weekdays.

Still, my weight isn't budging.

Another complication is the fact that I am hypoglycemic. I have to eat every 3 hours or so. Otherwise, I get headaches, I have vertigo, I grow weak, I get grouchy, I start to shake, and I even start losing my vision.

I've all but given up bread, pasta, crackers, cookies, potatoes, corn, cake, cookies, pie, brownies, muffins, etc.

I only have one small serving of a refined carbs food a day: i.e., one piece of bread, one serving of crackers, one cookie.

I eat more protein (from an array of sources), and I eat more fresh produce.

I've kept a food journal. I've hired a personal trainer. I've started drinking a lot more water.  I've had my blood tested for thyroid problems.  I was retested for blood sugar problems. (My glucose levels drop between 3 and 4 hours after eating.)

After all this attention, now my weight fluctuates between 116 and 119 since turning 53 in January of 2015.  (Taller women think I'm nuts. Remember, I'm fewer than 60 inches tall with a medium frame.) When I married at age 34, I weighed 102 pounds.

Illusion of Control over Aging

I think part of my issue with my weight is really an issue with aging.  True, I cannot stop Father Time from changing my physical body. However, I thought that I could maintain some level of control over my waistline.  The more I fear the aging process, the more I obsess over diet and exercise.

I've noticed that even the fitness instructors at my gym who are in their 60s and 70s have clear signs of aging. And they spend triple the time on exercising than I do.  It's time to concede that no amount of gym time is going to let me keep the figure of a woman in her 20s or 30s.

Focusing on Behavior Not Results

After bagging up my size 4 clothes in March, I even tried one last assault on my expanding waistline: I tried to go four hours without eating, and I tried to cut my daily caloric intake in half.

But I was at the point where I was going to faint. Dang it.

Ready for a new life at the thrift store.

So I finally decided that I need to quit obsessing over fitting into my most tailored clothes.

I'm going to lose my mind focusing on results.

I'm driving my friends, my family and myself insane.

I need to focus on behaviors instead of results.

After I publish this post, I'm taking this bag of clothes to the thrift store.

"Goodbye, Size 4!"

Related:

Daily or Weekly Weigh Ins?
Aging: Fight, Resign or Embrace?
Aging Disgracefully