|Photo by OldOnliner|
I value reading nonfiction books about death written by gerontologists, spiritual guides, doctors, social workers, psychologists and other experts. However, as a retired English teacher, I find great truths conveyed through creative works such as novels, memoirs, plays, poems, paintings, and film. These works might help viewers prepare for the death of a parent, a spouse or another loved one.
Here are a few films with clips. Last updated Dec 2014 to add Lullaby (2014):
Amour (2012). This French-language film shows a mature couple working together to create a new dynamic once the wife has a stroke. They have an adult child, a daughter, who comes to visit once in a while. However, that daughter lives a plane flight away. Relying just on each other, the couple soon becomes overwhelmed, especially since the wife's health continues to deteriorate.
Frontline: Facing Death (2010). This documentary shows a handful of people with terminal illness and how they, their family members, and their health care professionals negotiate the gray areas in what life-saving techniques to administer, to deny, or to remove.
Goodbye Solo (2009). A young man befriends a depressed middle aged man and tries to inspire him to embrace the simple joys of life.
Summer Hours (2008). A French film that starts with a 75 year old woman expressing her wishes for how here estate should be managed after her death. The majority of the film shows three adult children dealing with the practical and emotional work of managing their mother's house, furniture, artwork and other possessions. This film would interest art aficionados.
Departures (2008). Because of budget cuts, a cellist loses his job with an orchestra. Largely by accident, he secures a job as an apprentice to a funeral home director. This Japanese film with subtitles shows a variety of views on death and dying. The lead character himself also must work out some tension with his own father, whom he has not seen for years. The film is poignant and lyric with a gorgeous soundtrack featuring the cello. Winner of the Academy Award for Best Foreign Film for the year of its release.
Evening (2007)focuses on a life review as a key aspect of the dying process. In this film, thedying parent is the mother, played by Vanessa Redgrave. The adult children are daughters played by Toni Colette and Natasha Richardson. The deathbed drama is complicated since the grown sisters have unresolved conflicts carried forward from childhood. Nevertheless, a large part of the film consists of flashbacks as the dying woman reviews events that she labeled as regrets but that she needs to reframe in order to achieve a measure of peace before dying. Many people minister to the dying woman: her daughters, a long-time friend from college, a home health aid, and a supernatural (or merely imaginary?) spiritual mentor.
The Savages (2007). The film shows siblings, Wendy and Jon Savage, responding to their father's tentative diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease. The have been detached from him for decades, but now they must consider his needs, decide on whether or not to place him in a skilled nursing center, and talk with him about an advanced directive and funeral plans. Their father's failing health in the few months prior to his death throws them into a crisis where unresolved feelings create a lot of tension between them. Their relationship with each other is depicted in more detail than their relationship with their father.
Two Weeks (2006) is a more realistic depiction of the day-to-day challenges families face in the last two weeks of a parent's life. Director Steven Stockman attended his own mother's death, which happened at home with his siblings in attendance as well. Sally Fields plays the matriarch of the Bergman clan, whose four adult children have gathered to help their mother through the dying process. Like Evening, the adult children have unresolved conflicts that arise. The situation is further complicated by spouses and children on the scene.
Checking Out (2005) shares many aspects of Two Weeks because the families in both films are Jewish, the adult children have unresolved conflict, and a handful of spouses and children add another layer of relationships. Checking Out, however, contains more comedy (granted dark comedy) amid some very dramatic moments. I wasn't going to list it because the aging parent, played by Peter Falk, does not take to his deathbed. Nevertheless, the characters talk at great length about their father's upcoming death. These conversations can offer viewers some insight into issues of the active dying process. The film includes a life review, tension among adult children with unresolved childhood conflicts, and a renegotiation of family roles. There's a lot of bickering, which I found alternating from grating to entertaining. I must also confess that this family bickering annoyed in part because it rings painfully true. It may be useful to know this was first a play, which explains in part why it's dialogue heavy.
Big Fish (2003) features Billy Crudup as a young profession who travels home to visit his dying father, played by Albert Finney. While the film has some fantastical elements typical of a Tim Burton film, it also delves into the complexities of the father-son relationship. Finney's character uses this time to perform a life review, which any hospice worker will tell you is a common activity pursued by those active in the dying process. Aided by the magic of Hollywood, Burton transports the viewers to key events in the older man's life as he aims to leave a legacy for his son. However, the son resists accepting how his father defines his own life. This is a great movie to help adult children prepare to listen to how their parents see themselves and how they want to be validated, loved and accepted despite their excesses.
Barbarian Invasions (2003). A French-Canadian film about an aging professor dying of cancer. He's conducted several affairs over his life and failed to achieve in his career, probably due to his hedonism. His son comes to Canada from London. The son helps to make his father more comfortable and encourages friends to visit, which leads to a "Big Chill" feel to the second half of the film.
Wit (2001). Based on the 1998 Pulitzer-prize winning play of the same name, this film stars Emma Thompson as Vivian Bearing, a woman fighting an advanced case of ovarian cancer. As a professor of literature, Bearing is used to being in control, but she finds herself a minor player in the world of medicine and science. The character isn't working through a dynamic with any loved ones, but that is part of the film's point. In any case, the film might serve family members seeking to understand the experience of going through chemotherapy and radiation.
Tuesdays with Morrie (1999) Tuesdays with Morrie (1999). Jack Lemmon stars as sociology professor Morrie Schwarts, whose health is failing because of the degenerative disease ALS. But Morrie still has purpose as a teacher to Mitch Albom (played by Hank Azaria). Every Tuesday Morrie shares his wisdom and joie de vivre with Mitch--and with the viewers. Based on a non-fiction book.
Marvin's Room (1996) Diane Keaton and Meryl Streep star as estranged sisters reunited over catastrophic health problems. Streep's character brings two sons with her, the older played by Leonardo DiCaprio. Yes, their father has cognition and mobility problems due to a series of strokes, but new conflicts arise when other family members need help, too.
The Ballad of Narayama (1984) won the Palme D'Or at Cannes for its depiction of brutal rural life in Japan during the 19th century. While not well documented, Japan has a persistent legend (ubasute) depicted in this film: adult sons carry their aging parents onto a mountain top in order to die. Because the grandmother knows she will be carried to the local mountain to die, she spends the year prior trying to resolve some issues plaguing her sons and grandsons.
Ikiru (1952), a Japanese film, directed by the internationally acclaimed Kurosawa, available with subtitles. The film is about a government employee who must re-evaluate the meaning of his life when he learns that he has stomach cancer. His son and daughter-in-law stay aloof, so the film mainly describes the older man's own reactions to his declining health. He has several strong reactions to the news, ranging from shock to self-indulgence until he settles on using his hard-won wisdom as a bureaucrat to leave a legacy to his community.
Other films with this theme:
- The Last Station (2009)
- The Death of Mr. Lazarescu (2006)
- The Fountain (2006)
- Life as a House (2001)
- No Higher Love (1999)
- Stepmom (1998)
- One True Thing (1998)
- My Life (1993)
- Shadowlands (1993)
- The Doctor (1991)
- The Eleanor and Lou Gehrig Story (1978)
- The Gathering (1977)